The Birthday Clown of Your Queer Fantasy by Kristen Arnett


A raunchy, hilarious and unforgettable excerpt from Kristen Arnett’s new book Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One.

I’ve entertained an entire backyard full of people with nothing but a wooden spoon and a cast-iron pan as accompaniment, drumming the theme from The Brady Bunch while simultaneously dancing a jig. I’ve landed a somersault on a Slip ’N Slide while juggling three Coke cans and somehow managed not to break my neck. If I can’t MacGyver myself a dick out of thin air, then I need to find a new profession.

Read the story



All featured authors

Abby ManzellaAD SchweissAlex DiFrancescoAlex Marzano-LesnevichAllison Field BellAmber BairdAmelia GrayAmorak HueyAmy DeBellisAndrea BishopAndrea CavedoAndrew Bertainaandrew rutledgeAnnalisa CrawfordAnne P. BeattyAnne PanningArthur H. MannersArthur MandalAvitus B. CarleBarlow AdamsBeth KanterBeth ShermanBethany CutkompBob JohnsonBrandon ForinashBrian D. HinsonBrian EvensonCaleb BetheaCamara S. GarrettCandace Leigh CoulombeCarly AlaimoCarmen Maria MachadoCasey McFadzeanCatherine LaceyCecily CarverCharlie RogerschatgptChris ScottChristian EscalonaChristine H. ChenCiara AlfaroClare ReddawayColeman BigelowColin AlexanderCorey FarrenkopfDana WallDavid SummerfieldDavid WatersDerek FisherDouglas A WrightElda OrozcoElise JeanmarieElissa LashElizabeth JannuzziElvira NavarroEmily AustinEmily HampsonEmily RinkemaEmily WaughErik CederblomErin StriffErin WoodÉva SzékelyEvan HannonFionnuala MeehanFrances GapperFrancesca LeaderGarret CroweGary FinneganGraham MortHannah GregoryHannah SmartJ. Haase VetterJ. Malcolm GarciaJ.R. DawsonJ.W. GollJack B BedellJake MaynardJamey GallagherJamie GillJay McKenzieJeanann VerleeJeff FriedmanJennifer PintoJisun ParkJoel Henry LittleJohn HaggertyJordan HarperJosh RankJP RelphJude DoyleJuliet Gelfman-RandazzoK. A. PolzinKara OakleafKaren HeulerKate ArnoldKate AxefordKatherine PlumhoffKatie ten HagenKaty GoforthKeegan LawlerKelli Dianne RuleKelly RobsonKevin Light-RothKevin SterneKevin WilsonKim FuKim MagowanKristen ArnettKyla HaningtonLaura ZapicoLena ValenciaLillie E. FranksLincoln MichelLindsay ComerM.A. BoswellM.E. ProctorMackenzie HurlbertMadeleine VigneronMarco VisciolaccioMarijean OldhamMarilyn DuarteMark IfansonMary HeitkampMegan CumminsMeghan Louise WagnerMichelle DrozdickMonte LinNatalie WartherNathan LeslieNick EkkizogloyP.R. O’LearyPatrick FealeyPete ProkeschPhebe JewellRachel OffordRobin BeckerRose HollanderRuth BrandtS.A. GreeneSadie Sartini GarnerSamanta SchweblinSamantha Xiao CodySara McKinneySarah GerardSarah Lynn HurdSarah MullensSarah PerrinSophie HamptonSpencer NitkeyStephen DixonSudha BalagopalSumitra SingamSusan PeraboTaffy Brodesser-AknerTaisiya KoganTam EastleyTed ChiangTerese SvobodaTim MaughanTimothy ReillyTracie Adams