The Birthday Clown of Your Queer Fantasy by Kristen Arnett


A raunchy, hilarious and unforgettable excerpt from Kristen Arnett’s new book Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One.

I’ve entertained an entire backyard full of people with nothing but a wooden spoon and a cast-iron pan as accompaniment, drumming the theme from The Brady Bunch while simultaneously dancing a jig. I’ve landed a somersault on a Slip ’N Slide while juggling three Coke cans and somehow managed not to break my neck. If I can’t MacGyver myself a dick out of thin air, then I need to find a new profession.

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Abby ManzellaAD SchweissAlex DiFrancescoAlex Marzano-LesnevichAllison Field BellAmber BairdAmelia GrayAmorak HueyAmy DeBellisAndrea BishopAndrea CavedoAndrew Bertainaandrew rutledgeAnnalisa CrawfordAnne P. BeattyAnne PanningArthur H. MannersArthur MandalAvitus B. CarleBarlow AdamsBeth KanterBeth ShermanBethany CutkompBrandon ForinashBrian D. HinsonBrian EvensonCaleb BetheaCamara S. GarrettCandace Leigh CoulombeCarly AlaimoCarmen Maria MachadoCasey McFadzeanCatherine LaceyCecily CarverCharlie RogerschatgptChris ScottChristian EscalonaChristine H. ChenCiara AlfaroClare ReddawayColeman BigelowColin AlexanderCorey FarrenkopfDana WallDavid WatersDerek FisherDouglas A WrightElda OrozcoElise JeanmarieElissa LashElvira NavarroEmily AustinEmily HampsonEmily RinkemaEmily WaughErik CederblomErin StriffErin WoodEvan HannonFrances GapperFrancesca LeaderGarret CroweGary FinneganGraham MortHannah GregoryHannah SmartJ. Haase VetterJ.R. DawsonJack B BedellJake MaynardJamey GallagherJamie GillJay McKenzieJeanann VerleeJennifer PintoJisun ParkJoel Henry LittleJohn HaggertyJordan HarperJosh RankJP RelphJude DoyleK. A. PolzinKara OakleafKaren HeulerKate AxefordKatherine PlumhoffKatie ten HagenKaty GoforthKeegan LawlerKelli Dianne RuleKelly RobsonKevin Light-RothKevin SterneKevin WilsonKim FuKim MagowanKristen ArnettKyla HaningtonLaura ZapicoLena ValenciaLillie E. FranksLincoln MichelLindsay ComerM.A. BoswellM.E. ProctorMadeleine VigneronMarco VisciolaccioMarijean OldhamMarilyn DuarteMark IfansonMary HeitkampMegan CumminsMeghan Louise WagnerMichelle DrozdickNathan LeslieNick EkkizogloyP.R. O’LearyPatrick FealeyPhebe JewellRobin BeckerRuth BrandtS.A. GreeneSadie Sartini GarnerSara McKinneySarah GerardSarah Lynn HurdSarah MullensSophie HamptonSpencer NitkeyStephen DixonSudha BalagopalSumitra SingamSusan PeraboTaisiya KoganTam EastleyTed ChiangTerese SvobodaTimothy ReillyTracie Adams